The Cost of Love….

“The love you have for yourself should always supersede the conditional love of other”

 -Shannon C Colar

 With statements such as, “If you love me, you’d…” we are left to believe love comes with a cost. Such statements are often made by significant others, friends and family. I can remember watching movies where the child’s mother would sell her for drugs, saying “If you love me, you’ll do this for me”. See, statements like  this comes with a spirit of manipulation. Now, the individual believes LOVE is only granted when something else is provided.

 For some, the cost of love is introduced within their family, for others it occurs once they enter relationships (be it friendships or intimate relationships). If they aren’t cautious , the cost of love is demoralization, low self esteem,  and ultimately disgust for one’s self. How, you ask? Keep reading….

 Jane is a 21 year old girl who is dating Darius, a 22 year old male. They have a lot of fun together; he takes her on date and acts as a perfect gentleman. Jane, a girl with Christian morals, is abstaining from sex until she gets married. While Darius has knowledge of this, he begins discussing his “needs”. “If you love me, you’d do this for me”. Boom! She sleeps with him and now equates “sex” with the cost of his love!

 Kesha is a 19 year-old freshmen who follows Christian principles, gets good grades, and lives an honest life. Kesha’s childhood friends however aren’t as “holy” as she is. They enjoy drinking, smoking and partying. “Kesha stop acting like a prude! If you were really our friend you’d smoke this blunt, take this drink, or help us jump so-and-so.”

 Kesha and Jane are the very people we are surrounded with on a daily basis or may be YOU. That is, they are young ladies (and men) whose mind’s have been tainted with the belief that love comes with a price tag, a tag some can’t afford or aren’t willing to pay. Desperate for love and affection, these individuals go morally bankrupt, forgetting who they are and what they stand for…giving into this man-made, superficial cost of love. Truth is….love has no cost!

 What makes me so sure? A better question is who gave us the right to put a price tag on something so freely given? The ultimate act of love occurred waaaaay before you started dating JonJon or became friends with KiKi. Romans 5:8 states “But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” God loved us enough to give his prized possession for the sinner, the very individual that would lie on him, steal from him, and deny him. If you go to John 10:18, you’ll learn that Jesus willing gave his life….HE DID NOT ASK FOR ANNNNNNYTHING IN RETURN! The bible says, he could have called for a host of angels to rescue him, but he didn’t (Matthew 26:53)! If that’s not the ultimate act of love, I don’t know what is!

Jesus died on the cross for the sinner, RIGHT!?!? He didn’t say “I’ll only die if you stop killing, if you stop lying, if you stop having sex”. He died knowing we would do these things anyway, he knew we wouldn’t be perfect (Romans 8:23), which takes me back to my point. How is it ok for  ANYONE to say “this is the price you have to pay for my love” (sex, smoking, drinking, and whatever else).  Answer is “It’s not”.

Jesus demonstrated unconditional love; the type of love that is given regardless of what we do. Conditional love is that which requires a certain something to be present prior to “love’ being offered. That’s not the love Jesus intended for us to share with one another. He specifically told us in his word to love one another as he loved us, UNCONDITIONALLY (John 15:12).

 Coming from someone who once was manipulated by the man-made conditions of love, I want to encourage each of you to love yourself enough to uphold your standards and moral, coming down for no one and nothing. Why? Because love doesn’t come with a cost. If someone says “if you love me. you’d…” run the other way! Truth is, once you no longer meet the requirements of their love…you’ll be left with no remorse. Once Darius loses interest in Jane, he leaves. Leaving Jane empty and brokenhearted. Same for Kesha. When she’s in jail for possession of weed, those “friends” won’t turn back. Now, you are left dealing with disappointment, (because you knew better), low self-esteem (because you internalize the rejection, thinking your weren’t good enough), hurt (because you thought for sure ‘if you did that” they would stay around), and a distorted view of love (if you’re not careful, you’ll become a conditional lover as well).

 This Valentine’s Day and the rest of your life, DO NOT get sucked into the artificial cost of love! NO, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SLEEP WITH ANYONE, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR ATTIRE, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO “BE A THUG”, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE ANYONE OTHER THAN WHO YOU ARE TO RECEIVE LOVE! If you have to sleep with him to get a dozen roses, GO BUY YOUR OWN. If you have to change who you are to party with them, HAVE YOUR OWN PARTY! And if someone states “If you love me…” understand the problem is not with you, it lies within the small-minded individual making such a statement!

 With love and encouragement,

-Shan

P.s. On March first I’ll be releasing part two “Love is free, What about Relationship?”

PRETTY GIRLS ARE INSECURE TOO…

You are altogether beautiful, my darling there is no flaw in you (Solomon 4:7)

Recently, beautiful women who couldn’t recognize their own beauty have surrounded me. I heard statements like “Eww my hair” “OMG, I look fat” (and they really look like a twig), “I’m too skinny” or “Ugh, I look so funny today” ,“I didn’t have time to put on my make-up.” The previous statements came from women who the mass majority of men and women would consider to be gorgeous. At first I brushed these statements off, thinking, “She’ll get over it.” Unfortunately, the more I heard the more frustrated I grew. WHY CANT THEY EMBRACE THEIR GOD GIVEN BEAUTY. Then it dawned on me, PRETTY GIRLS ARE INSECURE TOO!

 After thinking about that statement for a few days, I broke women up into 3 categories: the “Pretty girl”, the “Ugly girl”, and the “Secure girl”. Now, these categories do NOT apply to physical attributes, but one’s mindset. Read on for further explanation.

 “Pretty Girl”

If you look at the “pretty” girl’s pictures from childhood, it’s quite possible she’s been gorgeous all her life. More often than not, she was told just how gorgeous she was all her life. “What a beautiful little girl”, “The boys are going to be all over her when she gets older”. Regardless of which statement was made, the pretty girl received accolades at a very early age, which typically continues throughout her life.

 Now, the pretty girl is a teenager. After growing accustom to compliments, she expects them wherever she  goes. What happens when she doesn’t receive them as frequently? What happens when she attends high school and is no longer the only pretty girl around? What happens when her “prettiness” isn’t enough? That’s when insecurity tends to set in. “ What am I not doing” “Why would he like her, and not me”. “Oh, I got it…..it’s because I forgot to wear my makeup today, or because my hair isn’t as fly as it usually is, ooooooooor I didn’t wear the right outfit. Yea, that’s it…..this outfit doesn’t show enough skin.”

 As a result, the “pretty” girl goes to great lengths to keep her reputation. Some may wear 10 pounds of make-up, show their body by wearing scandalous clothing, or tear down other woman to remain relevant. Either way, their behavior changes; they become obsessed with every little flaw and nothing is ever good enough. Eventually, they begin to tear down their own self-esteem.

 “Ugly girl”

 Some of you may be thinking, “I know an ugly girl who does the same thing”. While I agree, I believe their insecurities are derived from a different source. This young lady never received accolades; she wasn’t told how pretty she was, or not often. During the “ugly” girl’s childhood, she witnessed the “pretty” girl’s significance; which later produced thoughts such as, “what’s wrong with me”. STOP! This is where the door of insecurity swings wide open. Instead of questioning societies defective standards of beauty, she questions herself.

Now, the “ugly” girl is in middle/high school and she feels unimportant and insignificant. “LIGHTBULB! If they don’t like who I am, I’ll be who they want me to be”. They begin to emulate the “pretty” girls. They begin wearing make-up, scandalous clothing, using money to win guys affection, and refers to what they have, instead of who they are. They become attention-seeking individuals who’s desire is to “fit in” with the “pretty” girls. Sometimes, it works! Other times, it doesn’t. Now her self-esteem is SUPER crushed.

The Battle

After changing and being accepted, the battle begins! One would think the “ugly” and “pretty” girl is on the same playing field, right? Wrong! There is only room for one “winner”. The battle commences: the name-calling, the Facebook status, fights at school, and perhaps she begins to sleep with guys to capture his interest. As if they both weren’t already insecure, the back and forth begins to take an emotional toll, damaging their self-esteem further. Now the young ladies are at a point of doing or saying something they NEVER intended to do! If you ask me, it’s a lose-lose situation.

 So you ask “ WHO WINS”

 The secure girl! She wins! Not because she got the boy, not because she has all the hottest clothes, not because she has the biggest butt or because she had the best punch line! It’s because she finally realized that the greatest love (after God) comes from herself. This individual doesn’t seek the approval of others, doesn’t need to tear down other females to feel secure, and doesn’t need to LOWER her standards or violate her integrity to increase her self-esteem. See, this girl’s competition is HERSELF. She realizes the only person she needs to compete with is the woman she was yesterday. This individual is always striving to be and do better. When it comes to men, she knows her worth and her value. An “Aye Ma’” or “Shorty what’s up” doesn’t move her. She prefers to have the attention of one gentleman than 12 dogs. She’s the one who makes a man (notice I said man, not boy) work for her time and affection, rather than giving it all away for a happy meal and an hour at McDonalds play house. The SECURE woman doesn’t depend on exterior features to get attention BUT prefers to be known and noticed for her intellect and awesome personality. This WOMAN gives and DEMANDS respect!

 Where do I fit?

Growing up, I was the ugly girl! I went through my phase of name-calling, short skirts, low-cut shirts and attention-seeking behaviors. Quick story, I remember attempting to get my belly pierced. It was my intention to flaunt my new piercing the next day, at a location I knew “my guy” would be at. I wanted to steal his attention from the “pretty” girl, who had “stolen” him from me. Upon arriving at the tattoo shop, I was told my “belly meat” wasn’t thick enough to support a piercing. Yeap, I felt even worse. However, I thank GOD now! See, that belly piecing wouldn’t have changed anything. Instead it would have been one more attention-seeking behavior to add to my list.

What’s the point?

 In closing, I challenge each and every reader to break the cycle of the “pretty girl” and “ugly girl.” The broken cycle begins with you! Check yourself! Then begin to love yourself unconditionally! Show people how to love you! Oh, you don’t know how to love you? Dig into your word! John 3:16 States “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son…” God loved you so much that he was willing to give his ONLY son for you! If God can love you and release one of his most cherished gifts to the hands of death, surely you can show yourself the same kind of love. Nope, you don’t even have to give up anything precious to you…..unless that precious thing is that boy that’s no good for you, hatred, or competition….but what good is in that! Start to build your self-esteem and confidence. Quote scriptures like Psalm 149:14 until it becomes 2^nd nature:

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

 Then, the more you dig in your word, you’ll find scriptures like Songs of Solomon 4:7

 You are altogether beautiful, my darling;

there is no flaw in you

 (P.S- Songs of Solomon is the bomb! Read the entire book and you’ll never settle for a “AYE MA”!)

 Once you grasp the concept of loving yourself (flaws and all as Beyonce says) people will have no choice but to love and respect you. Why, because you will love yourself too much to take part in childish games. Once you stop watering the “drama seed” and “competition seed”, drama and competition will stop growing in your life. Now dedicate your attention to love, peace, joy, CONFIDENCE and SELF-ESTEEM….water those and they will surround you. (EX. dismiss the gossipers when the attempt to gossip, eventually they’ll stop coming to you)

 Now that you are the SECURE girl…..what’s next? I’m glad you asked! It’s your responsibility to teach others, both young and old. If our younger generation grasps this concept early in life, it’ll save them a lot of hurt, drama, and embarrassing situations. After all, the good book reads: “History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new” (Ecclesiastes 1:9, NIV). Because there is nothing new under the sun, our daughters, nieces, sisters, cousins and God babies are bound to face the EXACT same thing….dressed in “hipper” clothing. Unfortunately, young adults today have more than enough examples of the “pretty girl” and “ugly girl” on VH1 and Oxygen. It’s up to us SECURE woman  to teach them what confidence, self-esteem and self-love resembles. Furthermore, I believe our collective efforts have the power to reduce bulling, suicide and/or self-harming behaviors (i.e. cutting). Issue is, no one wants to invest in our young people. NEWS FLASH….They are tomorrow! Without our values and life lessons we are raising a callous hearted generation that will self-destruct. Again, change starts with you; you cannot teach what you do not know! Let’s get to it!

With love and encouragement,

Shannon C Colar

“To love yourself is not to hate others, it is NOT a malicious competition, nor is it the reduction of standards….IT IS BEING CONFIDENT IN WHO GOD CREATED YOU TO BE, KNOWING YOUR WORTH AND VALUE, AND DEMANDING THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE BY YOUR DEMEANOR ALONE!” -ShanShan

How I Prepare for My Birthday….

Every year you, me, and everyone else celebrates a self-proclaimed holiday, your “Birthday”. Some plan months in advance, while others treat this day just like the day before. Me? I’m guilty of planning my birthday extravaganza months and months in advance. For my 22nd birthday, I attended two nightclubs the weekend before and drove to Atlanta to attend parties the weekend after. The “turn up” was real!!!!!  It took me 3 months to plan my 22^nd birthday, and it ended within 3 days! While the memories were bliss, to me, I had nothing to carry with me for the remainder 362 days. Me being me, I had to come up with a new birthday tradition…..

Drinking and partying was never my thing. Don’t get me wrong I did it, only because that’s what everyone did! For my 23^rd birthday, I was ready to make a change, a meaningful change. After all, Proverbs 28:19 clearly states: work your garden- you’ll end up with plenty of food, play and party and you’ll end up with an empty plate (MSG). I finally reached the point where I wanted a full plate, for the entire year!

 Soooo, for my 23rd birthday, I spent weeks looking for the perfect “Birthday Scripture”.  This scripture would be the declaration I chose to speak over my 23^rd year! According to Job 22:28 (KJV), thou shalt also decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee…,IF I DECREE IT, IT WILL HAPPEN!!!!!! Let me give you an example of how things shifted…

 My 23^rd birthday scripture was Hebrews 11:11:

 Hebrews 11:11 (NIV)

¹¹ And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she^[a] considered him faithful who had made the promise.

 That year, I decreed and declared I would have the faith of Sarah!!! Whenever a situation occurred where I needed faith, I quoted my birthday scripture. Because of my declaration, I saw the hand of God move that whole year! My most memorable moment would have to be the day I purchased my car! At this time, I a was college student making $600 a month, my credit was great (thanks to student loans), and no one would co-sign for me. Even though I thought I would never be approved, I went to a dealership with my Godmother. Shockingly, they approved me, but not for what I wanted. In addition to the ugly car, they wanted to charge me $230 a month without a warranty and would only give me $500 as a trade-in for my car. I LEFT! I later noticed they had a gorgeous 2008 Chrysler Sebring.  That weekend I went home and confessed Hebrews 11:11. Went back on Monday and was initially told I could not have the red Sebring and they refused to give me more for my truck! Refusing to accept that, I spoke to a manager. In a matter of 20 minutes, my truck was worth $1200, I was approved for the car I wanted, and my car note was $231 (with a 2 year warranty)!! Oh keep in mind, I only made $600 a month. My faith out weighed ALLLLLLL my circumstance. Finally, my faith matched that of Sarahs!

 For age 24, I chose Mark and Deuteronomy 11:24:

 Mark 11:24

²⁴ Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

 Deuteronomy 11:24

²⁴ Every place where you set your foot will be yours: Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the Euphrates River to the Mediterranean Sea.

 As Mark 11:24 says, everything I prayed for came to past. I prayed for my business, my family, friendships, a job, and much more. Guess what! I got it all, and then some! As for Deuteronomy, I understood it to mean my territory would be enlarged. Again, I saw the fruit of my declaration. Fearfully Fierce (my business) has had multiple contracts and phenomenal deals, which I NEVER asked for!  Much like Fearfully Fierce, everything I’ve prayed for has been given to me in abundance!

SOOOOOOOOOOOO, with my birthday only ten days away I’ve prepared myself for my 25^th year.  What did I choose this year?

I choose Micah 6:8-

 Micah 6:8 (NIV)

⁸ He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly^[a] with your God.

My 25^th year is dedicated to “MAINTENANCE”. God has literally given me his best, in every area of my life! I have amazing friends, a thriving business, joy, happiness, peace, favor and most of all “A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD”!  I got it! But the question is, will I keep it and what will I do to keep it? According to Micah, all I have to so is WALK HUMBLY WITH MY GOD! WOW! To me, this means stay in my word, continue to give him glory, remain in prayer and overall seek after him!

Think about it in natural terms:

It’s easy to buy a plant, a dog, have a child, purchase a car and start school. However, in order to be successful in the previously stated, one must work at it, one must water it, feed it, care for it, repair it, and study for it; If not, it may starve, be fostered to someone else, be repossessed, or fail!  I personally refuse to let my gifts slip out of my hands or even DIE! I seriously can’t image Fearfully Fierce failing. Actually, it doesn’t have to be! One must work just as hard to keep it as they did to get it. Even if you didn’t work hard to get it, work your hardest to keep it!

I encourage you guys to command your years, months, and days just as I have.  It will literally set you up for what is to come. The word says: No word from God will ever fail (Luke 1:37) For those who do not know, the BIBLE IS God’s word! Declaring his word will do nothing but produce your confession!

In closing, I encourage you to apply this concept to your life. And I promise you things will change!

With love and encouragement,

Shan

 P.s. Commanding Your Morning by Cindy Trimm is a book that put me in this mindset. It is an awesome a quick read. I encourage everyone to read it! It discusses the power of your thoughts, words and actions! Again, it a powerful read!

This is me…

Psalm 71:15-16  (NLV)

¹⁵ My mouth will tell about how right and good You are and about Your saving acts all day long. For there are more than I can know. ¹⁶ I will come in the strength of the Lord God. I will tell about how right and good You are, and You alone.

 Who am I?

Well, My name is Shannon Cheri Colar. I am a recent master graduate with a degree in Clinical Counseling. I’m the founder of Fearfully Fierce  a youth empowerment organization), the creator Ladies of Purpose (a young Christian network), servant to my church’s volunteer ministry, a servant to Onederful Prayer, a sister, daughter, girlfriend, aunt, and role model among other things. Yeap, some would say I live pretty darn good….My response “if they only knew”. On the way to present day Shannon, I’ve struggled with feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and unhealthy relationships, just to name a few. It has taken several prayers, tears, heartaches, disappointments, failures and setbacks to get where I am today.  While I’ve never been raped abused or in a gang, I believe my story has the capacity to help someone out there.  Here we go…

Childhood

I had an awesome childhood, for the most part. I was born in Evergreen Park, moved to Atlanta at the age of 4 and eventually relocated to back to Illinois. Growing up, I was blessed enough to live in a two-parent home, with my older brother and younger sister. Every Sunday and Wednesday, we attached Church at the YMCA! My father always maintained a job and my mother made sure we were well taken care of. Great….right? Not quite. Although I had the most supportive family, I suffered from what I like to call “Middle Child Syndrome”. I often felt left out, as if I didn’t belong. I knew everyone loved me, but I felt lost in-between “the baby” and “the eldest”.

What started at home seemed to follow me to elementary school, and every school there after. I had the hardest time developing friendships. You know how everyone gravitates towards a group of people during kindergarten? Yea, no DEFINITELY wasn’t the case for me. None of the girls liked me, instead I had ONE male friend. With the exception of him, everyone else teased me for being the shy & timid girl I was. I reached an all time low in first grade when I offered to pay a group of girl’s now-or-laters to be my friend. Yeap, I was pretty darn desperate. I managed to snag a true friend or two, but it really didn’t matter being that my family and I moved a lot.  

 

(Me at about 7 or 8, i think)

High school

In high school I was a tall, awkward, skinny and bigheaded girl (not much has changed, lol JK). Unfortunately, my parents could not afford to shower me with the newest trends. With classmates who rocked the hottest name brands, I often felt self- conscious about my outer appearance. Despite my insecurities, things began to change for me in high school. I developed new friendships, had honors classes, was on the cheerleading team, and people actually knew who I was. Yeap, life was great.

To make things better,  I met a guy! Now keep in mind that I was very insure about my physical appearance as whole. So when this guy, who was popular, pursued me relentlessly I was excited. Our relationship was pretty good, until “the crazies appeared”. By crazies, I mean his ex-girlfriend and her friends. These young ladies attempted to jump me, came to my place of residence, played on my phone and even attempted to jump my baby sister (she was 5 years younger then them). My happy world was suddenly rocked.

The rumors began to role in “He was on the phone with me all night”, “he was hugged up with her on the bus”, and “He said he was taking me to prom”.  The drama kept coming and intensified, to the point where I obsessed with the thought of “What are others thinking of me”. One may ask why I stayed with this gentleman as long as I did. Well, I had no proof of the rumors! Secondly, I felt I would give each and every girl what she wanted if I broke up with him. I was willing to be unhappy if it meant they wouldn’t gain the satisfaction of us breaking up (Pretty dumb, now that I look back on it). I knew I deserved more, but I had a point to prove to the “HATERS”.

Eventually, my relationship became abusive, not physically but verbally. My already shattered confidence took a downward spiral as I was told I needed to find a prettier picture to put on Facebook, before he would accepted my relationship request. On top of that, in my heart I knew he was “cheating” on me….but again I accepted it because I had no proof.

Let me shift back to school. During this time I managed to maintain my grades and even prepared to apply to college. My dream college was the University of Illinois at Chicago. I was so excited that I applied in October, instead of waiting until the deadline of January 15^th .  Although I had already submitted my application, I attended a seminar a UIC representative put on at my high school. After his presentation my excitement hit an all time high. The whole time he talked I kept saying to myself “Yeap, I’m going to be a flame”. I made it a point to talk to him at the conclusion of his presentation. I asked him “How likely am I to get into UIC with an 18 ACT and a 3.5 GPA?” This gentleman had the courage to tell me “You would never succeed at a four year university and should strongly consider a two year college”. I walked away from that conversation feeling so defeated that I stopped applying to colleges all together. But God, two months later I received my acceptance letter from the University of Illinois at Chicago on top of that, I received two scholarships!  SO high school ended on a very high note for me. I got into the school of my dreams, I was working and I finally felt “significant”.

College

Back to my relationship. As I entered my undergraduate career, I placed a big fat question mark on my 2.5 year relationship. The guy I “loved” for the past 2 and a half years didn’t seem to mach the direction I was going in life. I wanted to develop a stronger relationship with God, he on the other hand had no desire. I decided to go to college, and he chose to work. Eventually our difference drove us apart; he went his way and I went mine. Although I broke up with him, our break up took a toll on me. In an effort to find comfort, I began dating ‘randoms” {guys I knew I didn’t want, but used them to pass the time]. As expected, those relationships went nowhere.

Summer break came and I was determined to escape the city. I went to Indianapolis to babysit my niece for the summer. Talk about BORING! I spent 3.5 months with a 3 year old, in the house ALL DAY! FYI. NOTHING EXSIT IN INDIANA, BUT BOREDOM.  In my boredom, I grabbed my sister-in-laws Life Application Bible (great bible for studying and gaining understanding) and began reading 1 chapter a day (starting with 1^st Samuel).  After reading I would write down my perception of what I read and how it applied to my life. My prayer life increased and I heard from the lord for the first time ever. Needless to say, what started out as boredom turned into a mini-revival. When it was time to go back to school, I returned on fire. I was determined to live for God and to set an example! Furthermore, I made a commitment not to entertain male company unless the LOOOOORD told me he was my husband or he genuinely wanted to be my friend. Yea, that didn’t happen. Again, I entertained randoms, which yielded the same results of nothing. However, things seemed to change in March of that year (2009).

In March, I met another guy. I thought for sure he was heaven sent! He was handsome, smart, he had his own car, a job, he was driven and he had to be saved because he had an open bible on his desk . Yup, he was sent from heaven or so I thought. I was having a great time with him, that is, until I heard the voice of the lord say “He is not for you”.   However, I chose to ignore his voice. Then he spoke again. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting in my chair with my feet on my bed, thinking about “our future”. And BOOM, just like that I heard the voice of the lord say loud and clear “He is not for you”. I boldly responded “ This is what I want and I’m willing to accept the consequences”…..BIG MISTAKE!

Much like my previous relationship, things started out great. We had a lot of fun together and seemed to be very compatible. So, we dated for several months, in fact, we never moved past the dating phase. During our year and a half of dating, he came up with several excuses as to why we couldn’t be official. Despite the fact that I deserved more, I accepted his continual “later”. I thought if he was only talking to me, I didn’t need a title. HA, YEA RIGHT!

Much like the past relationship, the rumors began to surface “he’s talking to this girl or that girl” of course he denied it. Even if it was true, how could I possible be mad? I accepted his “later” so technically he was free to be with anyone he desired. THEN, drama with the females began to resurface, much like high school. Only this time I was the one with the ugly heart and attitude. Any girl I saw him talking too, I instantly developed a dislike for them with no valid reason. I simply feared they were attempting to take what I THOUGHT was mine. When I confronted him, he reminded me we weren’t together anyway. Again, I accepted it and stayed. By the end of my Jr. year, I found myself in the same situation I was in during high school.  I can remember praying and asking God to fix us. I asked him to allow me to be in his permissive will. Yeap, I really like this guy, so much that I was willing to be with him at the cost of my salvation. I was sprung (I can admit that now), but deep down inside I knew I deserved more.

You remember that spiritual high I was on during my sophomore year, well by this time I couldn’t even bring myself to pray. I remember getting on my knees to pray but nothing came out. Instead the tears began to flow. I felt as though God would not hear from me, the girl who went against God multiple times. He couldn’t possible hear my prayers. I still attended church each week out of formality. During service I witnessed people speaking in tongues, shouting and worshipping, but me I just sat there because I did not feel the presence of the Lord. That year, my junior year, was full of hurt! I was spiritual empty, I was hurting, I felt unattractive, and ultimately I felt alone in a crowded room. I wanted badly to be whole , to be free, to be happy again.

Desperate to be free, I began to press my way to bible study on Thursday nights.  At first, my friends went with me, but they eventually they stopped coming. Although I did not like going by myself, I needed something from God so I pressed my way. In addition to bible study, I began reading my bible again. I started with the book of Jonah. I hadn’t directly heard from God, but I knew I had to get under his word to be free. I even began to ask God to provide me with a way of escape from the dysfunctional “relationship” I was in! And BOOM, just like that the Lord answered. I strayed away from that relationship for weeks at a time before I found myself ensnared with him again. That is until…

One Thursday I choose to watch service online. That’s the Thursday my life changed. I don’t recall the word, but I recall the spirit being very high! I began to worship in my room as they worshipped at church. When the video ended, I continued to worship. I recall lying down with my face to the ground weeping! That is when I heard the voice of the lord say “Its time to stop giving me half, when I want all of you! Will you give me your all?” This time, I completely surrendered by saying, “YES”. Now just because I said yes, doesn’t mean things got easier. In fact they got harder.  However, I knew I had to remain focused because I wanted to be FREE!

Senior year of college I was focused. I managed to improve my grades, the spirit of depression had lifted, and I felt like I had purpose. Aside from that, I had been accepted into the Graduate program of my desires and I FINALLY let go of that relationship. YES, college ended great! But that was only the beginning of GREATER!

 

(Junior Year of Undergrad)

Graduate school

During my two years of graduate school, I met some of the most amazing people. I lost friends, I gained friends, I dated people, I stopped dating people, I cried, I had insecure moments, and moments of confusion. BUT most of all, I had the PEACE AND JOY of GOD!

During my first year, I worked for a company where I had the privilege of meeting a youth pastor (who had a passion for helping people reach their purpose in life). This young man began to pry into my business, he was real nosey (lol), but it was for my benefit. He began to expose me to various heart issues that I didn’t know existed. He also guided me through the healing process. In addition to him, there was another radical young man who help poured into my life. Then there was my best friend, who knew me like the back of his hand. Knowing all of my past, my best friend kept me accountable to keep moving forward. Whenever I felt like slipping up or letting go, he pulled me back up. FINALLY my God mother had a GOOD grip on me. Boy, oh boy did she go hard. Some of the things hurt my feeling, BUT I knew her heart was to mold me into the best person I could possible be!

Did I have problems during Grad school, surely did! However, they were no longer my focus. My focus was to purse GOD with all my heart. I knew he would take care of my issue in the mist of me searching for him! This past July, I walked across the stage with a new found happiness. It did not come from my dress, my shoes (and I love my shoes), my parents, or that expensive piece of paper, IT CAME FROM KNOWING THAT GOD DID THIS! I could not and cannot take the credit.

The moral of my story is…No feelings of failure, insecurity, loneliness, or hurt can be eliminated by education, friends, significant others or success. Those are voids that can ONLY be completely healed and closed by the love of Christ. I want to encourage all my readers to STOP chasing things that will one day perish, but chase after the everlasting father and watch ALL your needs be met! (Matthew 6:33: Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you)

So, who am I?

I am Shannon Colar. I am no longer the insecure, lacking self-worth, validation seeking, and willing to accept anything person I once was; but I am STRONG CONFIDENT and BRAVE enough to put my story out there to help another struggling young lady! I, Shannon Colar, am no longer about me, but about helping young women out of a situation they don’t know how to escape. A big task, I know; but I’m determined to accomplish it… one life at a time.

With lots of love and encouragement,

Shannon C Colar

 

(At my graduate school graduation party)

****I hope you’ve enjoyed this LONG blog. I promise to keep them shorter than this in the future, lol. Even more, I hope the sharing of my testimony has helped you in some way, shape, or form. Whether you can relate or are inspired to share your story to bring healing to someone else, I hope you were inspired.****