Psalm 71:15-16 (NLV)
15 My mouth will tell about how right and good You are and about Your saving acts all day long. For there are more than I can know. 16 I will come in the strength of the Lord God. I will tell about how right and good You are, and You alone.
Who am I?
Well, My name is Shannon Cheri Colar. I am a recent master graduate with a degree in Clinical Counseling. I’m the founder of Fearfully Fierce a youth empowerment organization), the creator Ladies of Purpose (a young Christian network), servant to my church’s volunteer ministry, a servant to Onederful Prayer, a sister, daughter, girlfriend, aunt, and role model among other things. Yeap, some would say I live pretty darn good….My response “if they only knew”. On the way to present day Shannon, I’ve struggled with feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and unhealthy relationships, just to name a few. It has taken several prayers, tears, heartaches, disappointments, failures and setbacks to get where I am today. While I’ve never been raped abused or in a gang, I believe my story has the capacity to help someone out there. Here we go…
Childhood
I had an awesome childhood, for the most part. I was born in Evergreen Park, moved to Atlanta at the age of 4 and eventually relocated to back to Illinois. Growing up, I was blessed enough to live in a two-parent home, with my older brother and younger sister. Every Sunday and Wednesday, we attached Church at the YMCA! My father always maintained a job and my mother made sure we were well taken care of. Great….right? Not quite. Although I had the most supportive family, I suffered from what I like to call “Middle Child Syndrome”. I often felt left out, as if I didn’t belong. I knew everyone loved me, but I felt lost in-between “the baby” and “the eldest”.
What started at home seemed to follow me to elementary school, and every school there after. I had the hardest time developing friendships. You know how everyone gravitates towards a group of people during kindergarten? Yea, no DEFINITELY wasn’t the case for me. None of the girls liked me, instead I had ONE male friend. With the exception of him, everyone else teased me for being the shy & timid girl I was. I reached an all time low in first grade when I offered to pay a group of girl’s now-or-laters to be my friend. Yeap, I was pretty darn desperate. I managed to snag a true friend or two, but it really didn’t matter being that my family and I moved a lot.
(Me at about 7 or 8, i think)
High school
In high school I was a tall, awkward, skinny and bigheaded girl (not much has changed, lol JK). Unfortunately, my parents could not afford to shower me with the newest trends. With classmates who rocked the hottest name brands, I often felt self- conscious about my outer appearance. Despite my insecurities, things began to change for me in high school. I developed new friendships, had honors classes, was on the cheerleading team, and people actually knew who I was. Yeap, life was great.
To make things better, I met a guy! Now keep in mind that I was very insure about my physical appearance as whole. So when this guy, who was popular, pursued me relentlessly I was excited. Our relationship was pretty good, until “the crazies appeared”. By crazies, I mean his ex-girlfriend and her friends. These young ladies attempted to jump me, came to my place of residence, played on my phone and even attempted to jump my baby sister (she was 5 years younger then them). My happy world was suddenly rocked.
The rumors began to role in “He was on the phone with me all night”, “he was hugged up with her on the bus”, and “He said he was taking me to prom”. The drama kept coming and intensified, to the point where I obsessed with the thought of “What are others thinking of me”. One may ask why I stayed with this gentleman as long as I did. Well, I had no proof of the rumors! Secondly, I felt I would give each and every girl what she wanted if I broke up with him. I was willing to be unhappy if it meant they wouldn’t gain the satisfaction of us breaking up (Pretty dumb, now that I look back on it). I knew I deserved more, but I had a point to prove to the “HATERS”.
Eventually, my relationship became abusive, not physically but verbally. My already shattered confidence took a downward spiral as I was told I needed to find a prettier picture to put on Facebook, before he would accepted my relationship request. On top of that, in my heart I knew he was “cheating” on me….but again I accepted it because I had no proof.
Let me shift back to school. During this time I managed to maintain my grades and even prepared to apply to college. My dream college was the University of Illinois at Chicago. I was so excited that I applied in October, instead of waiting until the deadline of January 15th . Although I had already submitted my application, I attended a seminar a UIC representative put on at my high school. After his presentation my excitement hit an all time high. The whole time he talked I kept saying to myself “Yeap, I’m going to be a flame”. I made it a point to talk to him at the conclusion of his presentation. I asked him “How likely am I to get into UIC with an 18 ACT and a 3.5 GPA?” This gentleman had the courage to tell me “You would never succeed at a four year university and should strongly consider a two year college”. I walked away from that conversation feeling so defeated that I stopped applying to colleges all together. But God, two months later I received my acceptance letter from the University of Illinois at Chicago on top of that, I received two scholarships! SO high school ended on a very high note for me. I got into the school of my dreams, I was working and I finally felt “significant”.
College
Back to my relationship. As I entered my undergraduate career, I placed a big fat question mark on my 2.5 year relationship. The guy I “loved” for the past 2 and a half years didn’t seem to mach the direction I was going in life. I wanted to develop a stronger relationship with God, he on the other hand had no desire. I decided to go to college, and he chose to work. Eventually our difference drove us apart; he went his way and I went mine. Although I broke up with him, our break up took a toll on me. In an effort to find comfort, I began dating ‘randoms” {guys I knew I didn’t want, but used them to pass the time]. As expected, those relationships went nowhere.
Summer break came and I was determined to escape the city. I went to Indianapolis to babysit my niece for the summer. Talk about BORING! I spent 3.5 months with a 3 year old, in the house ALL DAY! FYI. NOTHING EXSIT IN INDIANA, BUT BOREDOM. In my boredom, I grabbed my sister-in-laws Life Application Bible (great bible for studying and gaining understanding) and began reading 1 chapter a day (starting with 1st Samuel). After reading I would write down my perception of what I read and how it applied to my life. My prayer life increased and I heard from the lord for the first time ever. Needless to say, what started out as boredom turned into a mini-revival. When it was time to go back to school, I returned on fire. I was determined to live for God and to set an example! Furthermore, I made a commitment not to entertain male company unless the LOOOOORD told me he was my husband or he genuinely wanted to be my friend. Yea, that didn’t happen. Again, I entertained randoms, which yielded the same results of nothing. However, things seemed to change in March of that year (2009).
In March, I met another guy. I thought for sure he was heaven sent! He was handsome, smart, he had his own car, a job, he was driven and he had to be saved because he had an open bible on his desk . Yup, he was sent from heaven or so I thought. I was having a great time with him, that is, until I heard the voice of the lord say “He is not for you”. However, I chose to ignore his voice. Then he spoke again. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting in my chair with my feet on my bed, thinking about “our future”. And BOOM, just like that I heard the voice of the lord say loud and clear “He is not for you”. I boldly responded “ This is what I want and I’m willing to accept the consequences”…..BIG MISTAKE!
Much like my previous relationship, things started out great. We had a lot of fun together and seemed to be very compatible. So, we dated for several months, in fact, we never moved past the dating phase. During our year and a half of dating, he came up with several excuses as to why we couldn’t be official. Despite the fact that I deserved more, I accepted his continual “later”. I thought if he was only talking to me, I didn’t need a title. HA, YEA RIGHT!
Much like the past relationship, the rumors began to surface “he’s talking to this girl or that girl” of course he denied it. Even if it was true, how could I possible be mad? I accepted his “later” so technically he was free to be with anyone he desired. THEN, drama with the females began to resurface, much like high school. Only this time I was the one with the ugly heart and attitude. Any girl I saw him talking too, I instantly developed a dislike for them with no valid reason. I simply feared they were attempting to take what I THOUGHT was mine. When I confronted him, he reminded me we weren’t together anyway. Again, I accepted it and stayed. By the end of my Jr. year, I found myself in the same situation I was in during high school. I can remember praying and asking God to fix us. I asked him to allow me to be in his permissive will. Yeap, I really like this guy, so much that I was willing to be with him at the cost of my salvation. I was sprung (I can admit that now), but deep down inside I knew I deserved more.
You remember that spiritual high I was on during my sophomore year, well by this time I couldn’t even bring myself to pray. I remember getting on my knees to pray but nothing came out. Instead the tears began to flow. I felt as though God would not hear from me, the girl who went against God multiple times. He couldn’t possible hear my prayers. I still attended church each week out of formality. During service I witnessed people speaking in tongues, shouting and worshipping, but me I just sat there because I did not feel the presence of the Lord. That year, my junior year, was full of hurt! I was spiritual empty, I was hurting, I felt unattractive, and ultimately I felt alone in a crowded room. I wanted badly to be whole , to be free, to be happy again.
Desperate to be free, I began to press my way to bible study on Thursday nights. At first, my friends went with me, but they eventually they stopped coming. Although I did not like going by myself, I needed something from God so I pressed my way. In addition to bible study, I began reading my bible again. I started with the book of Jonah. I hadn’t directly heard from God, but I knew I had to get under his word to be free. I even began to ask God to provide me with a way of escape from the dysfunctional “relationship” I was in! And BOOM, just like that the Lord answered. I strayed away from that relationship for weeks at a time before I found myself ensnared with him again. That is until…
One Thursday I choose to watch service online. That’s the Thursday my life changed. I don’t recall the word, but I recall the spirit being very high! I began to worship in my room as they worshipped at church. When the video ended, I continued to worship. I recall lying down with my face to the ground weeping! That is when I heard the voice of the lord say “Its time to stop giving me half, when I want all of you! Will you give me your all?” This time, I completely surrendered by saying, “YES”. Now just because I said yes, doesn’t mean things got easier. In fact they got harder. However, I knew I had to remain focused because I wanted to be FREE!
Senior year of college I was focused. I managed to improve my grades, the spirit of depression had lifted, and I felt like I had purpose. Aside from that, I had been accepted into the Graduate program of my desires and I FINALLY let go of that relationship. YES, college ended great! But that was only the beginning of GREATER!
(Junior Year of Undergrad)
Graduate school
During my two years of graduate school, I met some of the most amazing people. I lost friends, I gained friends, I dated people, I stopped dating people, I cried, I had insecure moments, and moments of confusion. BUT most of all, I had the PEACE AND JOY of GOD!
During my first year, I worked for a company where I had the privilege of meeting a youth pastor (who had a passion for helping people reach their purpose in life). This young man began to pry into my business, he was real nosey (lol), but it was for my benefit. He began to expose me to various heart issues that I didn’t know existed. He also guided me through the healing process. In addition to him, there was another radical young man who help poured into my life. Then there was my best friend, who knew me like the back of his hand. Knowing all of my past, my best friend kept me accountable to keep moving forward. Whenever I felt like slipping up or letting go, he pulled me back up. FINALLY my God mother had a GOOD grip on me. Boy, oh boy did she go hard. Some of the things hurt my feeling, BUT I knew her heart was to mold me into the best person I could possible be!
Did I have problems during Grad school, surely did! However, they were no longer my focus. My focus was to purse GOD with all my heart. I knew he would take care of my issue in the mist of me searching for him! This past July, I walked across the stage with a new found happiness. It did not come from my dress, my shoes (and I love my shoes), my parents, or that expensive piece of paper, IT CAME FROM KNOWING THAT GOD DID THIS! I could not and cannot take the credit.
The moral of my story is…No feelings of failure, insecurity, loneliness, or hurt can be eliminated by education, friends, significant others or success. Those are voids that can ONLY be completely healed and closed by the love of Christ. I want to encourage all my readers to STOP chasing things that will one day perish, but chase after the everlasting father and watch ALL your needs be met! (Matthew 6:33: Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you)
So, who am I?
I am Shannon Colar. I am no longer the insecure, lacking self-worth, validation seeking, and willing to accept anything person I once was; but I am STRONG CONFIDENT and BRAVE enough to put my story out there to help another struggling young lady! I, Shannon Colar, am no longer about me, but about helping young women out of a situation they don’t know how to escape. A big task, I know; but I’m determined to accomplish it… one life at a time.
With lots of love and encouragement,
Shannon C Colar
(At my graduate school graduation party)
****I hope you’ve enjoyed this LONG blog. I promise to keep them shorter than this in the future, lol. Even more, I hope the sharing of my testimony has helped you in some way, shape, or form. Whether you can relate or are inspired to share your story to bring healing to someone else, I hope you were inspired.****
LoveByEncouragement 