“The love you have for yourself should always supersede the conditional love of other”
-Shannon C Colar
With statements such as, “If you love me, you’d…” we are left to believe love comes with a cost. Such statements are often made by significant others, friends and family. I can remember watching movies where the child’s mother would sell her for drugs, saying “If you love me, you’ll do this for me”. See, statements like this comes with a spirit of manipulation. Now, the individual believes LOVE is only granted when something else is provided.
For some, the cost of love is introduced within their family, for others it occurs once they enter relationships (be it friendships or intimate relationships). If they aren’t cautious , the cost of love is demoralization, low self esteem, and ultimately disgust for one’s self. How, you ask? Keep reading….
Jane is a 21 year old girl who is dating Darius, a 22 year old male. They have a lot of fun together; he takes her on date and acts as a perfect gentleman. Jane, a girl with Christian morals, is abstaining from sex until she gets married. While Darius has knowledge of this, he begins discussing his “needs”. “If you love me, you’d do this for me”. Boom! She sleeps with him and now equates “sex” with the cost of his love!
Kesha is a 19 year-old freshmen who follows Christian principles, gets good grades, and lives an honest life. Kesha’s childhood friends however aren’t as “holy” as she is. They enjoy drinking, smoking and partying. “Kesha stop acting like a prude! If you were really our friend you’d smoke this blunt, take this drink, or help us jump so-and-so.”
Kesha and Jane are the very people we are surrounded with on a daily basis or may be YOU. That is, they are young ladies (and men) whose mind’s have been tainted with the belief that love comes with a price tag, a tag some can’t afford or aren’t willing to pay. Desperate for love and affection, these individuals go morally bankrupt, forgetting who they are and what they stand for…giving into this man-made, superficial cost of love. Truth is….love has no cost!
What makes me so sure? A better question is who gave us the right to put a price tag on something so freely given? The ultimate act of love occurred waaaaay before you started dating JonJon or became friends with KiKi. Romans 5:8 states “But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” God loved us enough to give his prized possession for the sinner, the very individual that would lie on him, steal from him, and deny him. If you go to John 10:18, you’ll learn that Jesus willing gave his life….HE DID NOT ASK FOR ANNNNNNYTHING IN RETURN! The bible says, he could have called for a host of angels to rescue him, but he didn’t (Matthew 26:53)! If that’s not the ultimate act of love, I don’t know what is!
Jesus died on the cross for the sinner, RIGHT!?!? He didn’t say “I’ll only die if you stop killing, if you stop lying, if you stop having sex”. He died knowing we would do these things anyway, he knew we wouldn’t be perfect (Romans 8:23), which takes me back to my point. How is it ok for ANYONE to say “this is the price you have to pay for my love” (sex, smoking, drinking, and whatever else). Answer is “It’s not”.
Jesus demonstrated unconditional love; the type of love that is given regardless of what we do. Conditional love is that which requires a certain something to be present prior to “love’ being offered. That’s not the love Jesus intended for us to share with one another. He specifically told us in his word to love one another as he loved us, UNCONDITIONALLY (John 15:12).
Coming from someone who once was manipulated by the man-made conditions of love, I want to encourage each of you to love yourself enough to uphold your standards and moral, coming down for no one and nothing. Why? Because love doesn’t come with a cost. If someone says “if you love me. you’d…” run the other way! Truth is, once you no longer meet the requirements of their love…you’ll be left with no remorse. Once Darius loses interest in Jane, he leaves. Leaving Jane empty and brokenhearted. Same for Kesha. When she’s in jail for possession of weed, those “friends” won’t turn back. Now, you are left dealing with disappointment, (because you knew better), low self-esteem (because you internalize the rejection, thinking your weren’t good enough), hurt (because you thought for sure ‘if you did that” they would stay around), and a distorted view of love (if you’re not careful, you’ll become a conditional lover as well).
This Valentine’s Day and the rest of your life, DO NOT get sucked into the artificial cost of love! NO, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SLEEP WITH ANYONE, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR ATTIRE, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO “BE A THUG”, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE ANYONE OTHER THAN WHO YOU ARE TO RECEIVE LOVE! If you have to sleep with him to get a dozen roses, GO BUY YOUR OWN. If you have to change who you are to party with them, HAVE YOUR OWN PARTY! And if someone states “If you love me…” understand the problem is not with you, it lies within the small-minded individual making such a statement!
With love and encouragement,
-Shan
P.s. On March first I’ll be releasing part two “Love is free, What about Relationship?”
LoveByEncouragement 