PRETTY GIRLS ARE INSECURE TOO…

You are altogether beautiful, my darling there is no flaw in you (Solomon 4:7)

Recently, beautiful women who couldn’t recognize their own beauty have surrounded me. I heard statements like “Eww my hair” “OMG, I look fat” (and they really look like a twig), “I’m too skinny” or “Ugh, I look so funny today” ,“I didn’t have time to put on my make-up.” The previous statements came from women who the mass majority of men and women would consider to be gorgeous. At first I brushed these statements off, thinking, “She’ll get over it.” Unfortunately, the more I heard the more frustrated I grew. WHY CANT THEY EMBRACE THEIR GOD GIVEN BEAUTY. Then it dawned on me, PRETTY GIRLS ARE INSECURE TOO!

 After thinking about that statement for a few days, I broke women up into 3 categories: the “Pretty girl”, the “Ugly girl”, and the “Secure girl”. Now, these categories do NOT apply to physical attributes, but one’s mindset. Read on for further explanation.

 “Pretty Girl”

If you look at the “pretty” girl’s pictures from childhood, it’s quite possible she’s been gorgeous all her life. More often than not, she was told just how gorgeous she was all her life. “What a beautiful little girl”, “The boys are going to be all over her when she gets older”. Regardless of which statement was made, the pretty girl received accolades at a very early age, which typically continues throughout her life.

 Now, the pretty girl is a teenager. After growing accustom to compliments, she expects them wherever she  goes. What happens when she doesn’t receive them as frequently? What happens when she attends high school and is no longer the only pretty girl around? What happens when her “prettiness” isn’t enough? That’s when insecurity tends to set in. “ What am I not doing” “Why would he like her, and not me”. “Oh, I got it…..it’s because I forgot to wear my makeup today, or because my hair isn’t as fly as it usually is, ooooooooor I didn’t wear the right outfit. Yea, that’s it…..this outfit doesn’t show enough skin.”

 As a result, the “pretty” girl goes to great lengths to keep her reputation. Some may wear 10 pounds of make-up, show their body by wearing scandalous clothing, or tear down other woman to remain relevant. Either way, their behavior changes; they become obsessed with every little flaw and nothing is ever good enough. Eventually, they begin to tear down their own self-esteem.

 “Ugly girl”

 Some of you may be thinking, “I know an ugly girl who does the same thing”. While I agree, I believe their insecurities are derived from a different source. This young lady never received accolades; she wasn’t told how pretty she was, or not often. During the “ugly” girl’s childhood, she witnessed the “pretty” girl’s significance; which later produced thoughts such as, “what’s wrong with me”. STOP! This is where the door of insecurity swings wide open. Instead of questioning societies defective standards of beauty, she questions herself.

Now, the “ugly” girl is in middle/high school and she feels unimportant and insignificant. “LIGHTBULB! If they don’t like who I am, I’ll be who they want me to be”. They begin to emulate the “pretty” girls. They begin wearing make-up, scandalous clothing, using money to win guys affection, and refers to what they have, instead of who they are. They become attention-seeking individuals who’s desire is to “fit in” with the “pretty” girls. Sometimes, it works! Other times, it doesn’t. Now her self-esteem is SUPER crushed.

The Battle

After changing and being accepted, the battle begins! One would think the “ugly” and “pretty” girl is on the same playing field, right? Wrong! There is only room for one “winner”. The battle commences: the name-calling, the Facebook status, fights at school, and perhaps she begins to sleep with guys to capture his interest. As if they both weren’t already insecure, the back and forth begins to take an emotional toll, damaging their self-esteem further. Now the young ladies are at a point of doing or saying something they NEVER intended to do! If you ask me, it’s a lose-lose situation.

 So you ask “ WHO WINS”

 The secure girl! She wins! Not because she got the boy, not because she has all the hottest clothes, not because she has the biggest butt or because she had the best punch line! It’s because she finally realized that the greatest love (after God) comes from herself. This individual doesn’t seek the approval of others, doesn’t need to tear down other females to feel secure, and doesn’t need to LOWER her standards or violate her integrity to increase her self-esteem. See, this girl’s competition is HERSELF. She realizes the only person she needs to compete with is the woman she was yesterday. This individual is always striving to be and do better. When it comes to men, she knows her worth and her value. An “Aye Ma’” or “Shorty what’s up” doesn’t move her. She prefers to have the attention of one gentleman than 12 dogs. She’s the one who makes a man (notice I said man, not boy) work for her time and affection, rather than giving it all away for a happy meal and an hour at McDonalds play house. The SECURE woman doesn’t depend on exterior features to get attention BUT prefers to be known and noticed for her intellect and awesome personality. This WOMAN gives and DEMANDS respect!

 Where do I fit?

Growing up, I was the ugly girl! I went through my phase of name-calling, short skirts, low-cut shirts and attention-seeking behaviors. Quick story, I remember attempting to get my belly pierced. It was my intention to flaunt my new piercing the next day, at a location I knew “my guy” would be at. I wanted to steal his attention from the “pretty” girl, who had “stolen” him from me. Upon arriving at the tattoo shop, I was told my “belly meat” wasn’t thick enough to support a piercing. Yeap, I felt even worse. However, I thank GOD now! See, that belly piecing wouldn’t have changed anything. Instead it would have been one more attention-seeking behavior to add to my list.

What’s the point?

 In closing, I challenge each and every reader to break the cycle of the “pretty girl” and “ugly girl.” The broken cycle begins with you! Check yourself! Then begin to love yourself unconditionally! Show people how to love you! Oh, you don’t know how to love you? Dig into your word! John 3:16 States “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son…” God loved you so much that he was willing to give his ONLY son for you! If God can love you and release one of his most cherished gifts to the hands of death, surely you can show yourself the same kind of love. Nope, you don’t even have to give up anything precious to you…..unless that precious thing is that boy that’s no good for you, hatred, or competition….but what good is in that! Start to build your self-esteem and confidence. Quote scriptures like Psalm 149:14 until it becomes 2^nd nature:

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

 Then, the more you dig in your word, you’ll find scriptures like Songs of Solomon 4:7

 You are altogether beautiful, my darling;

there is no flaw in you

 (P.S- Songs of Solomon is the bomb! Read the entire book and you’ll never settle for a “AYE MA”!)

 Once you grasp the concept of loving yourself (flaws and all as Beyonce says) people will have no choice but to love and respect you. Why, because you will love yourself too much to take part in childish games. Once you stop watering the “drama seed” and “competition seed”, drama and competition will stop growing in your life. Now dedicate your attention to love, peace, joy, CONFIDENCE and SELF-ESTEEM….water those and they will surround you. (EX. dismiss the gossipers when the attempt to gossip, eventually they’ll stop coming to you)

 Now that you are the SECURE girl…..what’s next? I’m glad you asked! It’s your responsibility to teach others, both young and old. If our younger generation grasps this concept early in life, it’ll save them a lot of hurt, drama, and embarrassing situations. After all, the good book reads: “History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new” (Ecclesiastes 1:9, NIV). Because there is nothing new under the sun, our daughters, nieces, sisters, cousins and God babies are bound to face the EXACT same thing….dressed in “hipper” clothing. Unfortunately, young adults today have more than enough examples of the “pretty girl” and “ugly girl” on VH1 and Oxygen. It’s up to us SECURE woman  to teach them what confidence, self-esteem and self-love resembles. Furthermore, I believe our collective efforts have the power to reduce bulling, suicide and/or self-harming behaviors (i.e. cutting). Issue is, no one wants to invest in our young people. NEWS FLASH….They are tomorrow! Without our values and life lessons we are raising a callous hearted generation that will self-destruct. Again, change starts with you; you cannot teach what you do not know! Let’s get to it!

With love and encouragement,

Shannon C Colar

“To love yourself is not to hate others, it is NOT a malicious competition, nor is it the reduction of standards….IT IS BEING CONFIDENT IN WHO GOD CREATED YOU TO BE, KNOWING YOUR WORTH AND VALUE, AND DEMANDING THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE BY YOUR DEMEANOR ALONE!” -ShanShan